The Frankenpooper

The Frankenpooper

It was the summer before we would turn 21, and we had just moved into our very first apartment, with our own bathroom, our own bedrooms, and a real kitchen. It was a vast improvement from living in a tiny dorm room and sharing a bathroom with 30 other girls. After spending all morning and most of the afternoon unpacking and organizing our stuff, we were excited to see our friends. We decided to have some people over to play drinking games, so we invited our usual group of friends, including Sarah who lived just down the street.

When Sarah came she brought her two roommates: Jamie and Madge. We’d met Jamie a few times before, but this was our first encounter with Madge. We should have known there was something different about her.

We all crowded around the coffee table in our tiny living room, playing games, drinking, and loving the fact that there was no such thing as “Quiet Hours” in our apartment. As the night went on we decided to head out to a house party. As we were getting ready, Madge disappeared for a while, but we didn’t really pay much attention because we didn’t really know her anyway.

When we finally left our apartment, Sarah, Jamie and Madge decided to head home. The rest of that night is a blur. We no doubt paid $5 for a cup so we could be crammed into the basement of some shitty house, bumping into everyone as we made our way to the keg in the corner. At some point in the night we stumbled home and passed out.

It wasn’t until the next morning that we noticed the horrifying truth.

Lindsay was up first, at the crack of dawn despite having been out drinking all night long. Her first thought: I have to pee – NOW. As she stumbled into the bathroom and lifted the toilet lid, she saw it. She stared into the murky brown water with horror as a single kernel of corn floated around the toilet bowl. She could just make out an enormous mass lurking beneath the brownish-green surface.

With a blood-curdling scream she raced into Holly’s room and woke her up. Holly, still pretty wasted from the night before, wearily followed Lindsay into the bathroom, wondering what the fuck she was so upset about. Holly nearly puked when she saw what was in the toilet. As we looked at the toilet, then at each other, then back at the toilet, we realized something: we didn’t have a plunger. How the fuck were we going to get this thing down the drain?!? Holly, still too drunk to drive, handed Lindsay her keys and we headed to Wal-Mart. Holly was still on the brink of puking, so Lindsay ventured into the Oshkosh Wal-Mart on a mission to find a plunger.

Five minutes later she came back, proudly grasping her weapon. When we got back to our apartment we spent a good amount of time arguing over who was going to face the beast. Since Holly still looked like death, it was up to Lindsay to conquer the Frankenturd. And what a battle it was. Wielding her plunger with a sense of justice derived from the gods themselves, she plunged, and plunged, and plunged, and when she thought she had plunged enough, she flushed.

Chaos ensued. The water kept rising until it spewed over the edge, corn kernels and feces spreading out across the bathroom floor.

Eventually, after hours of scrubbing and a massive amount of bleach, our bathroom was clean. Probably cleaner than it had ever been. As the weeks went by and we began to heal, we put two and two together: the disappearance of Madge and the appearance of the Frankenturd. From that day forward we were always leery of Madge and her bowels of doom. Since we were never really friends before that fateful night, she was pretty easy to avoid, but she will forever live on in our memories as the Frankenpooper.